This is something I definitely struggle with. My husband and I have worked through it some. He is much better at asking for his needs. I know for a long time the resentment I had was more because I always anticipated his needs so much so that he eventually got in the habit of expecting me to meet them without the need for him to express them. It’s how I tend to show love (paying attention to the other person and meeting their need before they even know they need it). It took me a long time to realize that is not A. Something that everyone just does and B. That it wasn’t fair to my husband. Lots of growing and learning.
Thank you for sharing! I'm curious, when you were younger did you find yourself anticipating your parents (or primary caregivers) needs? And when you were little were your needs met? Or did you find yourself keeping quiet about them? Often, the behaviors we bring into relationships stem from patterns we develop early on to keep ourselves safe and secure.
I don’t recall that. My parents were pretty attentive, but I am an oldest. I think I just always had a need for external validation from adults and that was easy for me to anticipate their needs. I was also the oldest kid amongst my parents friends and ended up babysitting a lot or “watching” the younger kids. I was also shy as far back as I can remember and avoided confrontation. I was recently diagnosed with adhd and definitely resonate with rejection sensitivity. So I think there was a lot going on there to condition me to act that way.
There were a lot of really rough times. We both just kind of came to the mindset that if we need to not be married to be happy then that was ok. It helped us to communicate more clearly because the fear of breaking up was lessened because we both accepted it as a possibility. Plus I tend to be a self help junkie. So I started watching a lot of Facebook videos related to relationships and codependency. It’s actually what started me on the path to finding Substack. We both also went to counseling separately not necessarily for relationship issues but to help heal our individual traumas. It is an ongoing journey and definitely still in process.
Realizing the possibility of not being together can be helpful, almost like a pressure relief valve. Going to counseling separately is great, I think it's important to address our triggers and early experiences before trying to "fix" the relationship. Doing my self-work helped so much in my relationship. It sounds like you both are actively working to build a deeper bond. I hope my work can be helpful!
Well said. In the dysfunctional family I was raised in, these were standard fare. I was expected to read minds, and obey.
Now when I face an emotional meltdown (rare, because I am alone) I let it be known that “I don’t read minds.”
Thank you for sharing! I'm glad to hear you voice this boundary with others. It's so easy to fall into the old roles we used to play in childhood.
This is something I definitely struggle with. My husband and I have worked through it some. He is much better at asking for his needs. I know for a long time the resentment I had was more because I always anticipated his needs so much so that he eventually got in the habit of expecting me to meet them without the need for him to express them. It’s how I tend to show love (paying attention to the other person and meeting their need before they even know they need it). It took me a long time to realize that is not A. Something that everyone just does and B. That it wasn’t fair to my husband. Lots of growing and learning.
Thank you for sharing! I'm curious, when you were younger did you find yourself anticipating your parents (or primary caregivers) needs? And when you were little were your needs met? Or did you find yourself keeping quiet about them? Often, the behaviors we bring into relationships stem from patterns we develop early on to keep ourselves safe and secure.
I don’t recall that. My parents were pretty attentive, but I am an oldest. I think I just always had a need for external validation from adults and that was easy for me to anticipate their needs. I was also the oldest kid amongst my parents friends and ended up babysitting a lot or “watching” the younger kids. I was also shy as far back as I can remember and avoided confrontation. I was recently diagnosed with adhd and definitely resonate with rejection sensitivity. So I think there was a lot going on there to condition me to act that way.
What has helped you notice this pattern in your relationship and shift it?
There were a lot of really rough times. We both just kind of came to the mindset that if we need to not be married to be happy then that was ok. It helped us to communicate more clearly because the fear of breaking up was lessened because we both accepted it as a possibility. Plus I tend to be a self help junkie. So I started watching a lot of Facebook videos related to relationships and codependency. It’s actually what started me on the path to finding Substack. We both also went to counseling separately not necessarily for relationship issues but to help heal our individual traumas. It is an ongoing journey and definitely still in process.
Realizing the possibility of not being together can be helpful, almost like a pressure relief valve. Going to counseling separately is great, I think it's important to address our triggers and early experiences before trying to "fix" the relationship. Doing my self-work helped so much in my relationship. It sounds like you both are actively working to build a deeper bond. I hope my work can be helpful!