Unverbalized Expectations: The First Domino in the Big 3 Communication Breakdowns
Clarity Questions + Action Steps
All the things you don’t say
No one wants to be in a messy fight—but silence is killing your connection.
Through working with clients, conversations with friends, and via my own experiences, I’ve identified three major breakers of communication in relationships:
The Big Three
Unverbalized Expectations
Misunderstandings
Assumptions
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Today we focus on unverbalized expectations, the silent saboteurs of relationships.
Unverbalized expectations act as premeditated resentments. They set you and your partner up for disappointment, confusion, and distance.
An unverbalized expectation is a need or desire you’ve chosen not to express to your partner.
It’s like expecting them to hit a target they don’t even know exists.
Why do we keep these expectations to ourselves?
For many, it comes from childhood experiences.
Maybe you grew up in an environment where expressing needs was met with rejection or punishment.
Maybe you felt invisible or unworthy of care.
Over time, you learned to meet your own needs—or not to voice them at all.
Asking for what you need can feel vulnerable, even unsafe, especially if you’ve been conditioned to believe your needs don’t matter.
You’re not a kid anymore.
Internalizing your needs and desires might have kept you safe as a child, but now it’s breaking down your communication.
It’s time for a change.
The antidote: ask
When you ask, you set your relationship up for success. Your partner isn’t left guessing or trying to read your mind.
Yes, asking can feel uncomfortable—especially if it challenges everything you learned growing up.
But like most new things, discomfort is natural at first. With practice, expressing your needs becomes a habit, nurturing deeper trust and connection over time.
Remember when you don’t ask you dig the hole of disappointment you fall into.
Clarity Questions:
These questions are framed for romantic relationships if you are single, answer these in the context of a previous or platonic relationship.
What expectations have I been holding in my relationship that I haven’t clearly communicated to my partner?
What am I afraid will happen if I express my needs and desires openly?
How might my relationship benefit from sharing my needs and desires with my partner?
Action Steps:
Start small:
Find clarity. Get curious about what you need and why.
Practice asking. Even if it feels uncomfortable, try expressing one need at a time.
Invite dialogue. Let your partner respond, so it becomes a two-way exchange.
When you stop expecting your partner to read your mind and start letting them into your inner world, you create space for the love and understanding you truly desire.
So, take a deep breath and ask. You’re worth it.
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Well said. In the dysfunctional family I was raised in, these were standard fare. I was expected to read minds, and obey.
Now when I face an emotional meltdown (rare, because I am alone) I let it be known that “I don’t read minds.”
This is something I definitely struggle with. My husband and I have worked through it some. He is much better at asking for his needs. I know for a long time the resentment I had was more because I always anticipated his needs so much so that he eventually got in the habit of expecting me to meet them without the need for him to express them. It’s how I tend to show love (paying attention to the other person and meeting their need before they even know they need it). It took me a long time to realize that is not A. Something that everyone just does and B. That it wasn’t fair to my husband. Lots of growing and learning.