You Should Go to Bed Angry: Handling High-Emotion Conflicts
Action Steps to Regulate Emotions During Conflict
Stay up all night and fight
My grandmother had a pillow that sat on her bright orange sofa, it read:
“Don’t go to bed angry, stay up all night and fight”.
This humorous pillow clearly depicted what I used to do. I continued the argument into the early morning hours, my over-talking fueled by high emotion—it was a mess.
It wasn’t until my late 20s that I learned sleeping on a disagreement can be incredibly helpful.
Feelings can be fickle
The severity of conflict depends on the level of emotion involved. Staying up late and over-talking an issue can lead to increased emotional reactions.
Emotions are valid, but they can be fickle.
Feelings change, and making decisions during emotional highs or lows is detrimental to relationships.
It’s important to acknowledge and feel your emotions but don’t let them drive.
Whether it’s going to bed and returning to a discussion after some sleep or taking a 15-minute break in the middle of a fight, giving yourself time to de-escalate instead of acting out of emotion can save a relationship.
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Emotional regulation is NOT emotional suppression
Pushing your feelings away and powering through only creates more issues down the road. It’s like sweeping dirt under the rug when you clean the house: it works for a while, but eventually, you’ll have a very bumpy rug, and someone will trip over it.
Emotions work the same way.
Suppressed emotions will either eventually erupt and be projected onto your loved ones, or they’ll be pushed so deep that you suffer from inner rage, anxiety, depression, or even physical ailments.
Today we are focusing on creating SPACE to allow your emotions to be acknowledged and felt.
Action Steps:
Use the Pause Button
When conflict becomes emotionally overwhelming—when you find yourself wanting to leave the room, shut down, or are on the verge of total eruption—hit pause.
Pause Button:
Step one: Let your partner know you need a break. Say, “I’m overwhelmed, I need a few minutes to breathe.”
Step two: Create safety by letting your partner know when you will return to the conversation. For example, “I will be back to talk in 15 minutes.”
Step three: Ground yourself. Take those 15 minutes to sit and notice your breath, the sensations in your body, and the emotions that are coming up for you. Say out loud “I feel (emotion) and I feel it in my (body location)”.
Step four: Return to the conversation when the allotted time is up.
Taking a pause can help calm intense emotions, allowing you to address the issue without attacking each other.
If you just got here, hello! I’m so glad you joined! You can listen to THIS podcast and read THIS post to get caught up on the conflict conversation.
I want to hear from you! Are you going to try taking a Pause?
Being married twenty-eight years is exhausting at times. It’s the nights of conflict that keep me awake at night. In the past we tried to be intentional about not going to bed angry. This is a great post to remind me to redirect my emotions.