How to Be Misunderstood in Relationships and 10 Steps to Break the Cycle

Action Steps for practicing vulnerability

Sarcasm was my safe space

In my twenties, spending the holidays with family was stressful. I dreaded the inevitable arguments and tension-stuffed moments.

I would enter these events with my guard up, armed with my weapon of choice—sarcasm.

An invisible shield that gave me a false sense of safety, adopted as a coping mechanism during my teenage years.

Isn't it funny how we revert to our old family dynamics, even after years of living on our own?

It took me a while to realize why I was so sarcastic.

Beneath my comical lightheartedness was deep sadness. I wanted the holidays to be different; I just wanted everyone to get along and have fun (basic Enneagram 7 stuff 😉).

I punished myself by pretending to be someone I wasn't. My family received a half-hearted version of me because I was too scared to show any vulnerability.

Coping mechanisms, like sarcasm, separate us from the connection we crave.

If a truth burns down a relationship, a family, a community, or a society, it was only ever held together by lies. And to that I say, let it burn. I never want to live in a world where our "need" for comfort supersedes our need to stand on a foundation only the truth can provide. - Mark Groves

It takes guts to be vulnerable

Open and honest communication is not for the faint of heart.

• It’s risky.

• It’s uncomfortable.

• And… it’s 100% worth it.

Relationships without vulnerability are relationships without truth.

You wouldn’t expect a house to stand if it was built on a soft foundation.

Relationships are the same.

When you hold back the truth and the vulnerable parts of yourself, you build a shaky relationship that won’t withstand the waves of life.

If being loved long-term is your goal, you must learn to let people in and show them your authentic self.

When I set down my shield of sarcasm, I was able to let love in.

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10 Action Steps to shed your shield and let love in:

1. Identify and Acknowledge Your Shields

   • Reflect on the protective patterns or habits you use to avoid vulnerability, such as emotional withdrawal, sarcasm, or over-independence.

   • Is there a particular relationship these show up in the most?

2. Practice Leaning on Others

   • Choose one person you trust and practice asking for support with something small, like advice, a favor, or simply sharing your feelings.

   • Notice how it feels to let someone in and remind yourself that support strengthens connection.

3. Express True Feelings in a Relationship

   • In a safe relationship, share one deeper emotion or thought you've been holding back. For example, "I appreciate how much you’ve supported me," or "I’ve been feeling lonely lately."

4. Rewrite Old Beliefs About Trust