Why Love Languages Miss Something Essential: The Fear Behind the Act
Clarity Questions to unpack how and why you love
Every act comes from a place of fear or love.
We can love someone from a place of fear.
In this article, I am going to give you clarity questions to help you unpack what has been driving how you love.
Years ago, I knew a couple who had very different ideas of love.
For her, love was about service. She believed you did things for the person/people you love. She had grown up in a home where being busy and constantly serving was rewarded by her parents, so she related love to service.
She was with a man who grew up very differently. His father would buy his mother flowers, chocolate, and expensive gifts. He learned and began to believe that if you loved someone, you spent money on them.
Their relationship was turbulent for a number of reasons, one big reason being—they loved each other through their own definitions of love. Her love was expressed through service, while his love was expressed through gifts.
While you may be thinking of The Five Love Languages—which I do believe is a great book—this goes deeper.
The woman learned service not because she wanted to be served, but because she believed being of service to her family would earn her love from her mom and dad.
The man learned to give gifts because he was shown that giving gifts was love.
There is nothing wrong with acts of service or giving gifts—I appreciate both of those things. This couple could have learned their love languages and practiced giving in the way their partner preferred, but that would unlikely have fixed the lack of love they both felt.
They needed to go deeper and understand how their pasts influenced their beliefs about love.
Last year, I was given a box from my dad’s house labeled “Lilly.” I thought it was a box of things my mom had kept from when I was a baby.
To my surprise, the majority of the box was filled with notes that I had written.
See, when I was little, I left my parents notes—lots of notes. One could argue I was exhibiting the love language of “words of affirmation.”
But it goes deeper than that.
When I began sifting through the years of misspelled notes, I cried.
I remembered the little girl who just wanted her mom to be happy and tried desperately to cheer her up through love notes.
I continued this practice in my adult relationships. Hoping I could convince past partners to love me via my kindly written words.
It wasn’t until I did the clarity questions I’m about to share with you and started unpacking my past that I was able to give and receive love purely and intentionally, not out of fear or obligation.
I still write love notes.
On Sunday, I tucked a few random sticky notes in my partner’s suitcase before he left on a work trip. But now I leave notes from a place of love, not fear.
Clarity Questions:
What does love mean to me?
How was love shown in my family growing up?
Whose love did I crave the most?
What did I think I had to do to get that love?
Want to go deeper? Check out this week’s Relearn Relationships podcast: Unpacking Your Definition of Love
Love languages are great, but let’s make sure they are truly coming from a place of love, not fear.
I want to hear from you!
Comment below or (if you are reading this from your email) click reply and share with me what you learned from the clarity questions.