I Thought Fixing My Partner’s Emotions Was Loving Them—Here’s What I Learned Instead
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The Feeling Fixer
When I was younger, I cringed whenever my romantic partner expressed strong emotions, especially those I struggled to feel in myself.
Instead of offering support, I either tried to fix their emotions or withdraw to avoid the discomfort of being around someone who wasn’t “happy.”
I had no idea that this reaction wasn’t about them—it was about me.
At a young age, I took on the role of cheering others up—a pattern of protection that made me feel safe and needed. As a child, this seemed helpful, even necessary, to create harmony and avoid conflict.
But as an adult, this coping mechanism became a barrier to the intimacy I craved.
Instead of allowing others to fully feel their emotions, I tried to change their feelings, often at the expense of my emotional needs and authenticity. What once provided security now kept me from building relationships where both partners could be seen and supported.
Let Yourself Feel
Trying to control or fix someone else’s emotions isn’t helpful and can destabilize the relationship, ultimately damaging the connection.
It’s important to remember that your partner is allowed to feel what they feel—whether sadness, anger, or joy—as long as their emotions don’t harm you. There’s a difference between being uncomfortable with someone’s emotional expression and being harmed by it. Discomfort challenges you to grow and hold space for the other person, but harm—such as physical or emotional abuse—is never acceptable.
If you find yourself running from others' emotions, it likely reflects how you suppress your own.
The one way I finally stopped trying to control my partner’s emotions and let them fully express themselves was by learning to hold space for myself first.
By sitting with my emotional waves without judgment, I could meet my partner in theirs without fear or the need to "fix."
Experiencing Emotions
When we practice accepting our emotional experience without judgment or rushing to push it away, we develop the capacity to do the same for others.
Here’s how I learned to be with my emotions without drowning in them:
Step 1: Become aware of your response to other’s emotions
When someone else expresses strong feelings, pause and notice your physical reaction. Are you cringing? Wanting to shut down? These usually signal that their emotion reflects something in you that needs attention.Step 2: Name and notice your feelings out loud
Instead of resisting emotions like sadness, anger, or fear, name them: “I feel sadness” or “I feel anger.” Next, notice the sensation of the feeling in your body: “I feel sadness, and I feel it in my stomach.”Step 3: Release the fixer mindset
You don’t have to fix anyone’s feelings for them. The most supportive thing you can do is hold space—listen, acknowledge, and validate their feelings without rushing to take them away.
Surfing the Wave
When I learned to accept and ride my emotional waves, I stopped taking my partner’s feelings so personally.
Suddenly, their sadness or anger didn’t feel threatening. I didn’t have to “do” anything except be present with them.
Relationships deepen when we meet others in their emotions with acceptance, not resistance.
If you want to go deeper, I created a simple guide and meditation to help you begin sitting with uncomfortable emotions and giving yourself space to feel. It’s free; get access below.