Fighting Fair: Unpacking Conflict Conditioning in Your Romantic Relationships
Clarity Questions to understand how and why you fight
Three things I know to be true about conflict:
Self-regulation is key to preserving your relationship in the presence of conflict. Without the ability to experience and express your emotions in a healthy way, small disagreements will blow up into big fights.
How you fight is more important than what you’re fighting about. If respect and love are absent from your disagreements, defensiveness and contempt will build—eventually destroying your relationship.
Recurring fights happen when untreated wounds get pressed. Whether the wound is from your or your partner’s past, old wounds influence how and what you fight about. Treat the wound—stop the recurring fight.
The post you're reading pairs with this week’s episode of the Relearn Relationships Podcast. Listen to it: HERE
When you squeeze a grapefruit, you get grapefruit juice.
When life squeezes you, what’s on the inside comes out.
As a child, you absorbed your environment like a sponge, learning how to navigate relationships.
The first step in transforming how conflict plays out in your relationship is to unpack what you learned about conflict during childhood.
Complete the Clarity Questions below to begin exploring your early experiences of conflict.
Clarity Questions:
What was conflict like growing up between your parents/primary caregivers? (Loud, scary, non-existent, passive-aggressive, etc.)
Was the conflict resolved? If so, how?
Thinking back to your early memories of conflict, what did you do when your parents/primary caregivers fought? (Hide, get angry, try to cheer them up, etc.)
What did conflict look like between you and your parents/primary caregivers when you were a teenager?
What is your physical impulse when tensions rise:
Fight: push back
Flight: leave the room
Freeze: shut down
Fawn: apologize
What are the similarities and differences between conflict with a romantic partner and your experience of conflict as a child?
If you could change one thing about how conflict plays out in your relationship(s), what would that be?
Want to go deeper?
Book a private session with me to explore why you keep having the same fights, how to regulate your emotions, and learn practical tools to restore respect in your relationship. Book HERE.
I want to hear from you!
Comment below or (if you are reading this from your email) click reply and share what you learned from the clarity questions.